


i Hate U, i Love U

by mukify



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Brashton, Cashton, Cashton for life, Clemmings, Established Relationship, FWB, Feelings, Friends With Benefits, Heartbreak, Hearts Breaking, M/M, Muke - Freeform, Romance, Sexual Content, Smut, ashton breaks cal's heart and everyone else's, couples, orgasm denial ish, sorry I love malum and muke but, sorry this is sort of super typical
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-29
Updated: 2016-06-12
Packaged: 2018-06-05 06:32:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6693265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mukify/pseuds/mukify
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I miss you in my front seat<br/>Still got sand in my sweaters<br/>From nights we don't remember<br/>Do you miss me like I miss you?<br/>Fucked around and got attached to you<br/>Friends can break your heart too,<br/>And I'm always tired but never of you<br/>If I pulled a you on you, you wouldn't like that shit<br/>I put this reel out, but you wouldn't bite that shit<br/>I type a text but then I never mind that shit<br/>I got these feelings but you never mind that shit<br/>Oh oh, keep it on the low"</p><p>"I hate you, I love you,<br/>I hate that I want you<br/>You want her, you need her<br/>And I'll never be her"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. "Fuck you, fuck your girlfriend and fuck everything about you."

Today was a "Sleepy Saturday", as Michael had declared first thing in the morning. It was the band's first day off in weeks, and all he intended on doing was staying in bed all day with Luke and forgetting about the world; avoiding the sound of the phone ringing with a very impatient and angry manager on the other line. As much as he tried, Michael knew 24 hours wasn't enough sleep to make up for all the nights he spent awake, deprived of his rest. Though, when he woke up and found Luke sleeping peacefully next to him he knew that he wouldn't be able to get out of bed even if he tried. The sheets were at their feet, sunlight threatening to shine through Michael's thick navy drapes, some parts of Luke's body glowing as light sneaked it's way into the room. Michael exhaled deeply and shuffled his body closer to Luke's, wrapping his arm around his stomach and pulling him into his chest. He smiled to himself when he heard Luke groan quietly and kissed him on the back of his head.

However, in the room next to Michael, Calum laid in his and Ashton's bed alone, his hands behind his head as he stared up at the ceiling. He'd been awake for three hours now, overthinking (and silently crying to himself) as he processed the fact that Ashton wasn't with him when he woke up. It's stupid, shouldn't even a big deal. People leave all the time. He'd thought that maybe Ashton went to get some breakfast and didn't want to wake the other boys up (because they can be a real pain in the ass when they're tired), but when he rolled onto his side to grab his phone from the nightstand he checked his social medias and saw that Ashton posted a picture of him and his girlfriend on his Instagram page. It was nothing really. People spend time with their girlfriends all the time. Calum didn't want to think about it too much (like he usually does) so he locked his phone and laid back, rubbing his face harshly as if doing that was going to make him forget about Ashton and Bryana together.

Calum and Ashton had a strange relationship--I mean, other than a working relationship they had something that one would call "Friends with Benefits". Calum knew it wouldn't work out from the start; what with Ashton's personality and the way he seemed to make everything feel meaningful like how he kissed Calum's neck and wrapped his arms around Calum in a post-coital state as if he never wanted to let go. Calum didn't mean to think much of it, it started off as just a quick shag on the bus because he was really drunk that night and the way Ashton's eyes looked were exceptional. You couldn't have stopped him from kissing him if you tried. Soon enough, a kiss in the lounge in the back of the tour bus turned into stolen kisses in tiny bathrooms and when people weren't paying attention, which then turned to sloppy handjobs in the bunks, turning into real sex in hotel rooms and bedrooms of where their childhoods took place when they visited home. Of course, Calum and Ashton had vowed to keep this whole thing a secret, which was very hard when Calum grew feelings for his best friend and wanted to show the whole world what he had (even though he didn't really have him emotionally, only in expensive hotel beds and the men's public bathrooms in nightclubs, and even then, Ashton was usually tipsy or on something). Sometimes, Ashton would "try" to catch a few kisses, and Michael would see them and shake his head, giving Calum a this-won't-end-well look. Calum never really noticed though, he was always kissing Ashton back anyway.

Then, whilst they were in LA for a show Ashton decided not to spend his night in the tour bus and went out for a drink, resulting in him coming back shitfaced drunk and waking up the next morning with a girl in his arms. Calum was so sad when he caught the sight of it, he would've had "that should be me" written right on his forehead in bold, black letters. When the rest of the boys woke up and saw her they were super nice and she smiled real sweet at them, and she was beautiful and kind and such a good person in general, which made Calum dislike her even more. After she left that day Calum didn't expect to see her again, but three weeks passed and next thing he knew he was having dinner with the new couple, and they were happy, and Ashton laughed and kissed her like he never did with Calum (but how would he know? He'd never known what Ashton looked like around him because he'd never seen it from another person's eyes), and Bryana was always trying to include Calum in on their conversations as if she knew how it felt to be a third-wheel, and Calum was nice to her because he knew she hadn't done him bad, but he was miserable, oh was he miserable. Calum and Ashton still did stuff sometimes, only if Ashton wasn't sober and had been away from Bryana for a while, but he didn't kiss him as much as he used to, and they barely cuddled. Calum never knew he'd find himself crying over a stupid guy--who was, in fact, still one of his best friends and bandmate--alone in his shower. If Ashton didn't have a girlfriend, he would've joined Calum. Ashton's probably off somewhere doing that with Bryana, and the more Calum thought about it, the more sad he got.

Maybe that was it. Calum asked himself the same questions for months, why was he attracted to him, why he had caught feelings when he knew he shouldn't have. But he thought he had an answer now. Perhaps it was the way Ashton treated Calum like they were in a relationship when they did stuff together, how Ashton would praise Calum to get him closer to his climax, how he would gently run his fingers through his hair, his soothing voice, how he would kiss the marks made on Calum's body that weren't for anyone else to see. And because Ashton had done all of this, it made Calum believe that they could be something more and gave him the wrong idea, and now Ashton's out with his _girlfriend_ and he's moping around in his bed alone _._

It wasn't realty a big deal when Ashton came back a couple hours later. Calum was still in bed, and surprisingly, Bryana wasn't with Ashton. He took off his coat and his shoes and left them by the door, then made his way to his bedroom where he found Calum laying on his side, his legs to pressed closely to his chest and his arms wrapped around himself. It was as if he'd been crying himself to sleep. Ashton took off his jeans and shirt and climbed in behind Calum, pressing his front to Calum's back, his arm wound around his stomach. Calum stirred slightly, but he didn't wake up to acknowledge Ashton's presence, just shuffled back a little and accidentally applied a little too much pressure to Ashton's groin. He woke up then, feeling the unfamiliarness of what once was not new to him at all. It didn't surprise him that a little friction could go a long way.

Calum turned around to face Ashton, and Ashton looked down at his face, chuckling slightly. Calum's smile was a little too smug for his liking. And for a few minutes, the two just lay there staring into each other's eyes, breathing deeply, not saying a word. Then Calum broke the silence, as much as he liked it.

"So what did you do today?" He asked, the tone of his voice soft but slightly condescending, making a face that said you-can't-lie-to-me-because-I-already-know-the-answer. He looked up at Ashton and felt a brief, tight squeeze around his waist. He tried to ignore the erection between their bodies (which wasn't his), but after a few seconds, he moved his hand down and squeezed it, not taking his eyes off of Ashton's.

Calum had an idea.

"Went to brunch," Ashton answered, gulping evidently. His voice was quiet, as if it was underneath some sort of cover. He sounded so distant there could've been a wall between them, but there they laid, close together, Calum's hand sneaking it's way into Ashton's pants, deep brown eyes swallowing green. For a moment, Calum forgot there was a world outside the room; but then again, he always felt that way with Ashton.

"With your girlfriend?" Calum said, finally grabbing Ashton's erection altogether. Ashton closed his eyes and exhaled heavily, hesitating for a bit, but nodded anyway. "Of course," Calum muttered under his breath, though Ashton was so close to him that he heard what he'd said.

The two of them laid there without uttering another word, Calum slowly moving his hand up and down as he jerked Ashton off. Ashton fluttered his eyes shut and breathed deeply, his grip around Calum's waist loosening as he felt himself begin to relax. Suddenly, just as he was about to come, Calum removed his hand. Ashton opened his eyes and furrowed his eyebrows, frowning slightly. 

"Why'd you stop? I was so close," Ashton whined quietly, moving his hand around to find Calum's. 

"No," Calum said to him, pulling away, desperately trying not to look into his eyes because he knew that after one glance he'd be sucked back in. 

"What do you mean, no?" Ashton frowned, clearing his voice.

"I mean no, I can't do this with you anymore."

Ashton was still dazed. Calum sat up, looking down on him so it gave him some sort of sense of control. 

"Why?" His tone was so somber, Calum almost got emotional.

But, he got out of bed and walked towards the door. As soon as he twisted the knob to leave, he turned around. "Because you have Bryana to get you off now. Don't want her to quit her day job, do you?"

He slammed the door as he walked out. 

 

>>>>>

 

Michael found Calum smoking in the backyard half an hour later after Ashton burst into his room and said that Calum had walked out. Michael knew Calum didn't like to go anywhere special to seclude himself from the world and his problems, so he slid the glass door that led to their big backyard open and walked to a small area behind the shed, where he found Calum lighting up a dart. Michael sighed as he slid down beside Calum, his knees folded to his chest. Calum took the cigarette out of his mouth and offered it to Michael, but he shook his head no. 

After sitting there for a while in silence, the harsh smell of burning tobacco in the air, Michael spoke up. 

"So what happened in there?" He asked quietly, turning his head to look at Calum. Calum looked forward, not blinking an eye. He didn't say anything for a while, closing his eyes as he smoked. 

"Nothing. I'm an idiot," he said quietly. 

"Yeah," Michael nodded. Calum chuckled shallowly. 

" 'S not my fault, is it?" He turned to face Michael. Michael saw that the darkness underneath his eyes were more evident than ever. He looked weary and tired, like he'd been thinking too much. Somewhere on his cheek, a dry tear streak shone in the late evening sun. 

"No," Michael frowned, "it just shouldn't have happened in the first place." 

Michael hadn't been told any detail, but he knew what was going on already and respected the privacy of it, which was something that Calum loved a lot about him.

"Should I talk to him?"

"I don't know, Cal," Michael sighed, "maybe wait for him to come to you."

Calum nodded, and all was quiet again.

Michael hugged him as soon as he saw a tear fall into his lap. He rubbed his back soothingly as he cried into his chest. Calum sobbed and shook all the tears out. Michael's such a good friend that he didn't even mind when Calum used his shirt to wipe his face. 

"I'm sorry," He hiccuped. Michael shook his head and kissed his hair.

"Don't be."

 

Michael ended up getting Calum to stand and go to his room where Luke would be waiting for him, said he was in need for a lot of cuddles and that Luke could provide him with it. Calum gulped and blinked a few times to get rid of the remaining tears in his eyes, then dropped his finished cigarette to the ground and twisted his foot on it. Then, he proceeded to walk to the house as Michael stood out there in the backyard, looking up at the sky, wondering to himself if his best friends could go back to what they were before things fucked up. 

 

>>>>>

 

when Michael walked into the house again, Calum and Ashton were in the kitchen. But they weren't yelling at each other. They were just staring, thick tension built up in the room like a clogged drain. It was as if they'd just finished arguing, and neither boys wanted to be the one to walk away first. 

Michael felt like an intruder for walking in on them, but he wanted to watch to know what was going on. It was like watching a dramatic scene on TV.

"Come on," Ashton said after a long, deafening silence, "we can work shit out, can't we? We always do." He took a step closer to Calum, but he didn't back away, just stood there with a harsh glare and his arms folded against his chest. 

"I don't know," Calum said, furrowing his eyebrows and shaking his head. "You've got a girlfriend now, and--"

"But why does that matter? We're just messing around. That's what we both agreed to." Even Michael knew that cutting Calum off was a bad move, even for Ashton. Ashton held Calum by the waist and tilted his head lower, Calum's hands now pressed against his chest ready to push him away if he needed to. 

"Because cheating is lame, and what we're doing isn't going to be good for your relationship."

"But--"

"No but's Ashton!" Calum raised his voice for the first time. Even Michael flinched a little. Calum was breathing heavily and Ashton backed away in defence, afraid he'd try to throw a punch or something. He could tell Calum was holding back tears, the lump in his throat evident as he spoke. The look on Calum's face was enough to kill someone, his glare and his tone as sharp as his clenched jaw. He yelled again. "Love isn't a three-way relationship!"

Ashton looked shocked, now. "What?" He said, not even noticing how quiet his voice had gone.

"I love you, Ashton," Calum cried. Luke walked into the kitchen, eyes wide, Calum's wet with tears. He let them fall to the ground.

Ashton, the asshole he was, said, "hey," quietly, pressing his fingers beneath Calum's chin and forced him to look up at him, "I love you, too."

And after a very long pause, Calum laughed. He laughed loud and shallow, like he'd never laugh again. He laughed as tears fell down his cheeks in streams, wiped his nose as it began to get runny.

"Fuck off," he spat. "You don't love me at all, not in the way I want you to. You just want someone to suck you off whilst you're away from your girlfriend, and what happens after that? You 'gonna throw me away when I'm not needed anymore?" He was smiling by the end of his sentence, but there was no joy behind it. "You took advantage of my feelings for you," Calum frowned, continuing as he saw Ashton open his mouth to intervene, "but you know what? Fuck you, fuck your girlfriend and fuck everything about you."

"Calum you're being..."

"What, Ashton? What am I being? Crazy? Stupid? Annoying? How can you not expect me to be this way after I've spent months sleeping with you on tour? You don't know how hard it is to hide everything, how long I've been wanting to tell you this."

Ashton shook his head. No one spoke for a very long time; Calum's eyes had dried up and he'd calmed down, and he was just standing there watching Ashton now. After the pause, he spoke up.

"I don't think I can do this anymore," Calum said quietly, swallowing down the lump in his throat. He turned back around to face Ashton. "I don't think I can go back to rehearsals and see your face and pretending everything's okay when it's not. I'm sorry Ash, I love you in so much more ways than one, and I'm sorry you had to find out like this, but I need to go, need to get out of this place before I break down again. I'm sorry I got attached, I'm sorry I lashed out on you over my stupid feelings." Calum was beginning to tear up but Ashton stepped closer to him to wipe his eyes.

"It's not stupid if it bothers you," Ashton replied, cupping his jaw, rubbing his cheeks with his thumbs. Calum wore a small smile on his face.

"Yeah," he chuckled.

"Don't be sorry," Ashton sighed. Calum let him envelope him in a tight hug. He was going to miss the way Ashton held him like this. Jeez, he should stop. It felt like he was leaving him and the others forever.

However, "this doesn't make things okay," Calum said after a short pause, looking up at Ashton.

Ashton smiled down at him. He knew how to calm Calum down and what to do to make him forget why they were even fighting in the first place. To be completely honest, Ashton didn't even remember how the conversation was brought up. "We're still friends, though," he said with a tone in his voice that Calum was never going to forget. Maybe one day Calum was going to bring up how lowkey desperate he sounded. Ashton read his mind and shook his head, laughing quietly to himself.

 

 


	2. first loves part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They always say first loves don't come easy, but they always leave out the part where they end up coming back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the hella LATE and SHORT chapter !!!!!!!!!!!!! updating as soon as I can to catch up <3

Growing up without a father gave Calum tough skin, but what remained of him was a soft heart, pieces of it breaking as time passed (as he lay alone, as Ashton lay with his new lover).  Maybe the fact that Calum's real dad was never around was the reason why Calum had a lot of problems with pretty much everyone in his life - for example, the first time his mother brought home an unfamiliar man he neglected her for weeks. He wouldn't join her to eat dinner. Then he had his first boyfriend at fifteen, and even then, he neglected him in fear of being caught with him, his problem with judgement taking over his whole life and how he treated people. Eventually he grew out of that behaviour and wasn't afraid of being with him, actually falling in love with him and dedicating a lot of his time to him, but after 14 months the guy decided that things just weren't working out for him. He said that Calum deserved better. He said it wasn't Calum's fault. He said he'd never love anyone else as much as he loved Calum, but it's no wonder why the devil's pants are always on fire.

 

\----

 

Calum's smoking in the backyard again, cigarette in one hand and phone in the other. His eyes have begun to start hurting from staring at the bright screen for so long, fixed on the text from an unfamiliar number that said, "Hey Cal it's Marco. Got your number off an old friend and was wondering if you wanted to meet up because I'm in town for the weekend. Call me when you've got time x."

Calum took a long drag of his cigarette before re-reading the text, wondering to himself whether he should call Marco back, or if he should just not reply for 48 hours so he doesn't have to see him. Calum thought about the latter for a while, but after finishing his third cigarette he decided he didn't want to get some sort of lung cancer yet and put out the smoke, saving the number so he could call him the next day.

Marco Papageorgio was Calum's first lover. He was tall and had broad shoulders at the ripe age of 16, and his eyes were a deep chestnut colour that burned holes into Calum's skin, which wasn't a surprise as after they broke up Calum searched for pieces of him in the crooks of other people's bones in hopes of filling up the gaps.

But now, Marco was here. At first, Calum was filled with nostalgia; memories of the two of them together as young teens, experimenting and trying to figure out what and what not to do filled his mind and he almost smiled to himself. Then he felt grief, the loss of his first love hitting him so hard he forgot about Ashton. He remembered how he felt with Marco and how it felt to lose him. He remembered how good Marco was to him. He remembered how he thought he'd never find anyone like him. The third wave was anger. Calum had never felt so mad. What made Marco think he could just jump back into Calum's life? His band was literally just starting up, he already had enough boys and paperwork to worry about, and now, Marco was back in the picture. Things always came back to Marco. Everything except Calum - but would that change?

 

**_TO BE CONTINUED..._ **


	3. first loves part 2

Calum woke up at 10:40am the next day and the first thing he did was roll onto his side and open up his contacts on his phone. He searched for the name Marco, pausing for a second just so he had a little time to think about what he was about to do. Was it too early in the day to call him? Would he be awake? What if he's at breakfast? What if he doesn't pick up? Calum pressed the call button. Marco answered on the third ring (in old times, he'd always answer on the third ring. This made Calum feel warm inside).

"Hello?" Calum said quietly, trying to sound clear at the same time. He tried to make his voice sound deep and cool, like he didn't really care about whatever Marco was going to say. Instead he managed to make his voice sound even groggier than it was - considering he'd just woken up.

"Well hi," Marco said on the other line, chuckling a little. His voice sounded completely awake. His voice was way deeper than it used to sound in Calum's ears, but then again, that was almost four years ago. As deep as Marco's voice goes, Calum still picked up the smile he heard in Marco's voice. He smiled a little to himself, then immediately wiped it off his face because whatever this was, that Marco was doing, was giving Calum goosebumps. He hadn't even seen his face yet and already got the shivers.

"How are you?" Calum asked after a short pause. Good job, Cal, not awkward at all.

"I'm good, Calum, how are you?" Marco's voice was slow and smooth and Calum wanted to cry.

"I'm not too bad." That was a lie. He was very bad.

"I'm guessing you got my text last night, yeah?" Calum nodded, then rubbed his eyes embarrassingly when he realised Marco couldn't see him.

"Yeah, about that..."

"So when are you free?" There was something about his voice that convinced Calum that the sooner he saw him, the better. He sounded chirpy, like he was genuinely excited to see Calum after all these years - even though he was the one who said he'd never see him again. He sounded so sincere and it was the most comforting and heartbreaking rollercoaster of emotions that Calum had ever gone through in a span of five seconds. There should be a world record for the fastest time recorded of how much emotions you could go through all at once. Calum would break them all.

Calum was quiet for a moment. He was always free, but he wanted to make it sound like he had a busy schedule so Marco would think he was doing something important in his life.

"I can do lunch and dinner today?" He said, heightening his pitch at the end to make it sound like a question so as he answered the question he was pretty much asking another one that said "are those times fine for you?" Calum really hoped that Marco could meet up with him. Despite the amount of heartbreak and possible emotional trauma that Marco had caused, Calum always came running back for boys he love(d), no matter how wrong they did him. His inability to grow a spine could be a blessing and a curse.

"Lunch sounds great. Meet you at The Shake?"

They sounded like a bunch of teenagers. Then again, they once were.

"Yep, easy."

"Cool. I'll see you there."

"See you," Calum replied, hanging up the phone and falling back onto his bed, breathing out a breath that he was unaware of holding.

 

**_TO BE CONTINUED..._ **


End file.
